Monogamy – Is it Realistic? November 6, 2009

A friend recently asked me, “Is monogamy realistic in 21st century?” That made me thinking. In an age of divorce, hookup culture and widespread infidelity, “death do us part’ seems nearly impossible. Celebrities are flaunting openly their extra-marital exploits! With people constantlymoving from place to place and change jobs like they do with clothes, the ‘use and throw’ attitude is creeping into our thinking of how we view relationships like that of marriage.

Some recommends serial monogamy – a model in which people move from one committed long-term relationship to another and choose partners for different reasons at different stages of their life. But what kind of commitment is that? Do you consider 3 month as long term? Then what about children through all those marriages? Imagine someone saying, “these are my kids born in my 20s, then these in 30s, these in so and so country, these after retirement!”

The duplicity (or should we say multiplicity) of polygamy – in relationship with many women/men at the same time, does not have any commitment at all. All the time, both are thinking who else other person is flirting with. They never really give themselves to each other, without which they will never achieve deeper intimacy in the relationship. Suscipion, jealousy and mistrust are deterimental to building fulfilling marriage.

Then there is the concept of “open marriage” in which couples stayed married but were free to date other people. Now there is a dating site of married men and women, that claims profiles of over 5 million, has a tag line – ‘Life is short, Have an Affair.” Researchers have proven multiple sexual partners robs the real joy of sexual intimacy and fulfilling deep relationship.

More recently, polyamory — the practice of having romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved — has been getting a lot of attention. According to Newsweek magazine researchers estimate there are more than half a million polyamorous families in the United States. Dinner everynight with different people in different places, can sound very exciting, but it will drain your emotional vitality. It is not variety or number of partners that ensures pleasure or fulfillment, but it is exclusivity.

“Till a tempting partner do us apart” is symbolic of the Western cultural liberalism. A generation who have not seen marital fidelity and does not know how to spell COMMITMENT. Marriage is designed to be an exclusively relationship between a man and women. Attempts at reframing the basic equation to satisfy human selfishness and sinfulness will cause Western civilization to implode. Where goes the marriage in a society, there goes the nation!

Pricetag to Raise a Child September 24, 2009

A middle-income family can expect to spend $291,570 including inflation to raise a child born in 2008 to adulthood,  This was reported in a new study by the  US department of Agriculture.  It is slight up from the same figure last year. If you have three kids, you will spend nearly a million bucks on them! See this report on Reuters.

The estimate covers food, shelter and other necessities for a child to age 18. The figure does not include the cost of childbirth or college. I also assume it does not incude private schooling or technotools like iPhone or laptops. Last year, the USDA estimated it would cost $269,040 to raise a child born in 2007 to age 18, including inflation. The USDA has made the estimates since 1960, when the estimated cost was $25,300. 

Average Indian American household will spend way more than that for their kids. Indian American household income is the largest among any ethnic groups (also highest educated) and they are keen on spending it on their children. They even save up to pay for the college education and wedding!

The growing cost of childrearing is another reason, families in the west are limiting number of children they are having. More children also mean more cost of raising them, which they do not have. parent become more preoccupied with saving up for their retirement and do not want to keep incurring expenses on their children. No wonder children per household is lagging behind the replacement need of 2.1 per family. Population control policy is imploding on western civilization leading to demographic winter.

Rise in STD & Pregnancy in US teens July 20, 2009

A new study is out from CDC that show increased sexual activities among teens and some of its disastrous consquences. See reports in ABC News and Reuters. FInd the CDC report here.

From 1991 to 2005, birth rates among teens had fallen and now in 2006 and 2007, the trend has changed. Sex ed policies need to be revisited. Whatever seems to be working is not working any more. Parental involvement in teens and abstinence until marriage is undoubtedly the best policy to avert this trend.

Here are the findings:

About one-third of adolescents hadn’t received instruction on methods of birth control before age 18.

In 2004, there were about 745,000 pregnancies among females younger than age 20, including an estimated 16,000 pregnancies among girls aged 10 to 14.

Syphilis cases among young people aged 15 to 24 have increased in both males and females in recent years.

In 2006, about one million young people aged 10 to 24 were reported to have chlamydia, gonorrhea or syphilis.

From 1997 to 2006, rates of AIDS cases among males aged 15 to 24 increased.

In 2006, the majority of new diagnoses of HIV infection among young people occurred among males aged 20 to 24.

From 2004 to 2006, about 100,000 females aged 10 to 24 visited a hospital emergency department for nonfatal sexual assault, including 30,000 females aged 10 to 14.

Connext Conference in Chicago July 6, 2009

I am very excited about the forthcoming gathering of young South Asian Christian leaders of North America. Last one was in New York in Sept 2007 and we saw great momentum in what happening among South Asians Christians all over the continent. This time, it is going to be in Chicago and I am part of the local organizing team. See details at www.connextonline.org Focus this year is going to be on leadership development and we have a great line up of leaders as resource people. Theme is Unleashing the Leadership Potential. If you are serving South Asian community in any capacity or would like to, this is a must attend event for you.

Who are South Asians – people from India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Nepal, Myanmar, Maldives and Bhutan. But it is not limited to them, but also those who work with them in some capacity. If you are a pastor, missionary, involved in campus ministry, marketplace leader, businessperson, youth leader, musician/artist, work with a parachurch org, studying in a bible college or seminary or actively serving in some capacity, this is an ideal event to hone your leadership skills.

See website and register early.

Deadly Pessimism of the Youth June 30, 2009

A  new study has found almost 15 percent of American teens believe they will die before age 35 — a perspective strongly linked to risky behavior. Read the report in Forbes. ALso see NIH findings on Adolescent Mental Health.

Last week, I lost a friend and he was only 30. Recently I was speaking at a youth camp and I was shocked at a their sense of doom awaiting them. They are living with a sense of fear about their uncertain future and dabble with risky behaviors. Such widespread teen pessimism is dangerous to church, society and nation. Economic uncertainity, living under foreign, prevailing media coverage of glooming national scenarios and what not.

The study also found that a teen’s mental state and behavior were mutually influential. A teen who predicted a short lifespan, for instance, during an early interview was more likely to engage in subsequent risky behavior, and teens who engaged in risky behavior throughout the first year of the study were more likely to develop a pessimistic view of their future.

Kids begin to think, there is no point in studying hard, if they cannot find any reasonable job. When they see their parents loose jobs, they doubt their own future. With looming terrorist threats and alerts at airports affects teen psyche more than we think. They take it seriously and begin to see monsters behind every bush.

Will you pump in some optimism to teens around you? They desperately need them.

UK: Family breakdown causing social anarchy June 27, 2009

Last week, I was in UK. As I landed in London and was waiting for a connecting flight to Northern Ireland, I picked up the morning newspapers and was quite surprised at this report “Only Marriage can mend broken Britain” Read it for yourself – BBC, Daily Mail, and also Christian Institute.

Justice Paul Coleridge was addressing the UK parliment and compared ‘meltdown’ in british families with global warming and cancer behind all social evils. He said result of family breakdown would be distastruous to the nation. He even advocated government to do more for the families to end the social anarchy.

He also condemned the ‘pass the partner’ trend in growing prevlance in cities of UK and how such immoral practices would ’scar children for life.’ When future generation is ‘damaged and emotional disturbed’ as a result of parental neglect, selfishness and abuse, society is sure to pay a heavy price in the years to come. He claimed ‘almost all of society’s social ills can be traced directly to the collapse of familylife.’

Over last few decades, the anti-family policies that Western society has embraced has costed the nations dearly. Generations later somebody seems to get it. When collective good is sunk in favor of individual rights, society will implode. Abraham Lincoln was right - ’The strength of a nation lies in the strength of its families.’ When families falls apart, so goes community, church and the nation.

Somebody finally seems to have the courage and wisdom to challenge the growing epidemic of broken homes. After being family judge for several years and seeing first hand crisis of modern society, with insight into how it could afffect a nation’s future, he was calling for a change in attitude by the policy makers and seniors leaders of his country. Way to go Justice Coleridge. We need such champions in every nation!

Changing Childhood May 15, 2009

Childhood is never the same. 10 years old girls are into diets, manicures and breast implants. See a report in Daily Mail and about Generation Diva in Newsweek. With the onset of puberty at younger years and constant bombardment of sexually charged images, preteens moving from childhood into adulthood, skipping important life stage of adolescence.

Another recent survey, by a children’s organisation questioned 150,000 children and found that an astonishing 26 per cent of ten-year-old girls are obsessed with their weight and feel they’re not thin enough. More girls under the age of ten are being diagnosed with anorexia than ever. Some early teens are opting for breast implants as their birthday presents.

May be parents and culture should be blamed. We are putting so much pressure on our children today to grow up too quickly. They access information which is way beyond their level of maturity in terms of sexual and relationship behaviour. They exhibit increased levels of anxiety among young girls who feel they are not thin enough, not beautiful enough, and compare themselves to the impossible images of their airbrushed idols in magazines.

Many ten-year-old girls are obsessed by hair, fashion and make-up. Children are being inundated with images which they are simply not emotionally mature enough to cope with. They tend to believe this is how they should be and that everybody is doing them. According to market research, if the trends continue, by the time today’s 10-year-old turns 50, she’ll have spent almost half a million dollars on hair, makeup, elective surgeries, manicures, and pedicures.

Another recent study found that fewer than 20 per cent of children play outside on a regular basis. As parents work longer hours and have less time to spend with their children, it is all too easy to dump them in front of a television screen. Many of the TV programmes aimed at teenagers, and music videos which are virtually soft porn. Then there is computers with broadband access without any filters or supervision.

The key to a happy, secure childhood – which is vitally important in creating stable and responsible adults – is to feel good about yourself and know who you are. Coming out of broken homes and self-obsessed parents, this latchkey kids are one of the least nurtured kids ever.

I am currently reading Spoiling Children: How well meaning prents are giving children too much, but not what they need by Dr. Diane Ehresaft. Title says it all.

Missing Children of Mumbai (India) May 14, 2009

Heard of this… on an average 2,000 kids are reported missing every year, but only half of them are found, reveal statistics. ‘Missing’ includes those who have been kidnapped, lost or run away. See report in Hindustan Times and Times of India.

In 2006, of the 1,569 kids who went missing, 582 were traced. In 2007, 4,000 children went missing in Mumbai, only 831 were traced – 3,169 kids have still not been located. In 2008 only 2,837 cases of children who went missing.

In a City of 18 million people, bubbling with life, business, glamour and decay, 2000 may not be much. Most of them never get ‘found’ and lost forever. Think about nearly 2000 families have to live with such incidents for rest of their lives.This is the dark side of slumdog millionaire city.

Call it the Slumdog Paradox. Oscar winning movie Slumdog Millionaire might have changed the lives of Rubina, Tanvi, Ashutosh, Ayush and many others, but numerous children like them in the slums of Mumbai are still awaiting a change in their destiny.

Some brush aside such news, while most tend to overlook. Life of these little ones does not mean much to many. ‘It is their fate,’ they say. But some steps into situations like that and wants to do something for these kids. Like Compasstion International. See what they are doing in India. They have over 100,000 kids under their care, many of whom would have become part of this statastics, but for their compassion. There are many individuals and organization

Leave it not to their fate or let their destiny be shaped by our compassion. May we be part of the solution, rather than condemning the problem or the goverment. God cares for the least and lost ones in our city. So must we. ‘Let the things that break the heart of God, break our hearts as well.’

Marriage beyond Infidelity April 30, 2009

I cam across this interesting article in Daily Mail in UK (leading daily with over 6 million circulation). It was titled – My husband’s affair was the BEST thing that ever happened to our marriage. Check it out entire article for yourself.

I wish that was true for more women who made surprise discoveries of their husband’s extra marital affairs. Infidelity wrecks marriages. Restoring broken trust is a near impossible task, especially when a third women is involved. Whether it is a casual one night stand on a business trips or affair with a secretary or old school mate who is unhappy in her marriage, it permanently damages your marriage. But yet it is not beyond redemption, as we can see from this story.

There is growing group of support network for individuals whose struggle in marriage where their mate is found unfaithful. It is called Beyond Affairs Network – http://www.beyondaffairs.com/. If you or someone you know is hurt by extra marital affairs, refer them to support groups in this network. They have several good resources to prevent affairs and recovering from affairs.

Prevention is better than cure. Avoiding the third person in the marriage, whether it be other women or man or mother-in-law, is always the best policy. Loosing it need not be the way to discover worth of something you always had. Cherishing your spouse with love and care that nothing else will come in between. Nurturing and growing your marriage is best way to keep off extra marital attractions and infidelity.

Go and build your marriage!!!!

Abduction of boys in China April 22, 2009

Young boys are abducted and sold to families who are desperate for a male heir. Yet another fallout from the one child policy to contain population by the Chinese government. Little kids are stolen from play ground and even snatched from the hands of care givers. See the story in New York Times. 

Mother with a poster of her kidnapped son (source: NYT)

We all have heard of sex selective abortion plague in India and other parts of the world. In several Indian states this has led to skewed gender balance. Inherant gender bias, religious superstitions and preference for boys force many young couples to determine sex of the babies soon after conception and if it is a girl, they try to abort and keep trying to have a boy child. For more on female infanticide in India and China check out Gendercide case study.

I believe this is nothing but a curse that as society and future generations are bound to pay for. The intentional killing of baby girls due to the preference for male babies and from the low value associated with the birth of females. Chuck Colson called it as a curse that keeps on giving in his breakpoint commentary on this issue.

Market forces are at play. When supply is low and demand rises, so does prices for boys.  Now demand for boys is on the rise. Much of which is a result of distorted social policy. Families are paying thousands of dollars (several months of earnings) in order to ’secure’ their future by ‘buying’ a boy child. As the NYT story cites, this is not international human trafficking issue, but this trend is aimed at meeting a need in locally.

China has 32 million more males than females under twenty. In 2005, there were 120 boys born for every 100 girls. The preference for male children has led to the aborting of 16 million females in China. When they come of age, finding a mate is going to be serious problem. Growing up without siblings, they lack relationship skills and most remain ignorant of female species of their kind or how to relate to them. Not to mention rise of gay lifestyle and breakdown in marriges.

Several years ago, I spoke at a UN conference on families and had the previalge of having dinner along with China minister for social affairs. We discussed about family planning policies of India and China. He was well aware of  growing problems of the Chinese policy to contain it bulging population and yet had to stand by his government stand on this issue. So tragic!

Cry of the aborted infants are calling for justice to their Creator. The destiny of future generation should not determined by goverment policy, nor should kids become a commodity with a price tag on their head, nor families should be restricted in reproduction rights. Who will stand for the rights or ideoligical shaped policies of our national leaders?