Coconut Generation

The Next Generation of Asian Indians

Why coconuts are not getting married? April 25, 2006

Filed under: Family,Youth — Sam George @ 4:45 am

Few weeks ago, I spoke at one of the PARIVAR’s family seminars in Chicago. The seminar was geared towards immigrant parents with marriageable children. This was first of its kind seminar that I have ever heard of or spoken at in the Indian community.

Topic given to me was – “What does your children want to tell you ….and don’t know how?” In less than 20 minutes, I had to communicate all that singles think about relationship and marriage to their parents. Not an easy task at all. But in light of research on the Coconut generation book and experience of many leaders who have spoken at many of our singles & marriage preparation events, I put together 10 things the second generation would like to tell their parents about their marriage plans.

All parents dream of seeing their children happily married. For the immigrant Indian community there is a heightened sense of desire when it comes to children’s marriage. No matter how much education, wealth or success they have achieved, when their children remain unmarried, they consider themselves as a failure. The parents also experience pressure from their peers to live up to the societal expectations. To the status conscious immigrant generation, getting children married at the correct time (whatever that means) is meant to enhance their own standing in the community.

I tried to communicate the young generations’ fears, apprehension, expectation and perception of marriage to their parents. I tried to address issues like why your children are turning down most of the proposal they bring, why they do not want traditional Indian marriages, growing gender imbalance, changing gender biases and some contemporary trends of the second generation when it comes to seeking marriage alliances. Many in the coconut generation do not want marriages like that of their parents or are unable to find mate like their parents. Some are unwilling to consider marrying from
India, while many are forced to look outside of Indian community for their life partners (hard for immigrant parents to digest).

Most American-born or raised women hold a more egalitarian and romantic notion of marriage and are not willing to settle for traditional desi bahu. With many marriage breaking ups in this generation, they even wonders – will they find true love, will marriage work for them, what if I were to remain single? No wonder, getting married has emerged as one of the major struggles of coconut generation in the book. (Item 4 in chapter 6).

Let me know your thoughts. Thanks.


3 Responses to “Why coconuts are not getting married?”

  1. natalie Says:

    As the fiance of a fellow that has gone outside of his culture to find a suitable god-fearing girl, I relate to and am encouraged by your posting, but it is indeed not without struggles. Please keep the resources coming.


  2. A Says:

    I think it’s like that globally, even in India it has started. Only thing is that the olden generation need to let go of this “societal expectation”, etc and just let their kids live and be free. Only thing we parents should do is guide them the right way and help them learn to make the right choice, not pressure or force ours or society’s expectation on them. It’s backfiring everywhere since people are learning to get to thick skin and not take the criticisms and harsh sentiments giving by those narrow-minded folks who look at one angle only.

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